I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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