Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize