Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
