did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
