if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
