I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
