my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
