I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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