all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
