I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize