Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
