i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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