a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize