Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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