90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
