Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
