...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
