I just pynch a tree in the face
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
