I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You made out with two different species that night
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
