plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
