fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize