Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
