TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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