i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
