i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
