The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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