I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
