Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
