can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
