I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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