nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I need mimosas to revive my soul
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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