I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
