my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
