Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
