Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
