I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
