Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
