DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
