Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I think I won the penis lottery.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
