i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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