Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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