just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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