a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
