Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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