there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
