the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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