Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
