Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
