I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
