explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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