I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
