and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
