he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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