Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize